Bill Cosby!

Jake's friend Matt, Jennie's sister Stephanie, Jake and I all went to Rexburg to see Bill Cosby LIVE! It was SO MUCH FUN! He is hilarious!

Here we are before the show

Here are some of the funny things he said that Jake and I want to remember because they made us laugh super hard:

When he was a kid he turned the gas on the stove to on and then lit a match and soon realized that the longer he waited to light the match the bigger the boom was! One time he did it and it sent him flying backwards across the kitchen. He was laughing his head off and had small fires all over his clothes. His mom came in and started beating him with a broom. He said, "What did I learn from that? Not to do it while mom is home!" Hahaha then when mom left he did it again and he asked the voices in his head how long he should wait and they all argued about it and finally he lit in and he hit his head on the ceiling and fell on the floor laughing his head of- again. His dad came in and said, "so you want to play with fire?" He held his hand over the flame! Then realized he was also burning his own hand and then stormed out of the room. What did he learn that time? Not to do that while dad was home. The next time he did it he was home alone. He was going to wait a LOOONG time this time. He had the gas turned on and was waiting, holding a match in his hand, when his grandpa walked in. His grandpa looked up and saw what he was doing, immediately turned around and went back out the door and while he was closing the door he said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..." Bill said, "I thought to myself why didn't he try to stop me? He wanted me to get hurt!! I'll show him." Then he put the matches away and never did it again.

Moved on to how he uses that same line to teach his grandkids. His grandson was playing with a weak bookshelf and he was sitting lazily in his "grandpa chair" watching. He saw that the kid was probably going to tip it over on himself and so he said to him, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..." The kid loooked at him, ignored him, and pulled the shelf over on top of him. Bill continued to look at him. Then the mom walked in, Bill's daughter, and said, "why did you let this happen?!" He calmly said, "I didn't let anything happen, he pulled it down by himself." Then Bill's wife walked in.... pause and huge sigh/eyeroll* she said why didn't you try and stop him Billy?!?" He said, "But I did! I said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..." And I betcha he doesn't go back over to that shelf again..... *under his breath* unless he's got some of his grandpa in him."

He asked people in the front row if they were married and he talked about how the guy has no idea that really his wife is in complete control. He said everyone thinks chess is a game of war, it's really a game of marriage! The queen gets to move wherever she wants, gets to do whatever she wants to do, while the king cowers behind his pons.

He talked about farting for a while and it had us laughing so hard we were crying. He talked about some guy named Lenny who was an older guy. He had been married to his wife for 62 years. Bill was over there and "old people can't hold those kinds of things in as well as you can" so Lenny got up to go fart across the room and he was hoping it would come out quietly.... But there is a certain sound that you just know that no other body part can make except the one. Poor Lenny's fart came out mroe surprising than he had planned on. We all knew where it came from and what it was. All his wife had to say was, "Lenny shut UP." HAHAHA

Then he talked about how the first year of his marriage he was too embarrassed to fart in front of his wife. So she went into the bathroom one night to do her nightly chemistry work (make up removal) and so he thought he was safe to fart. Well the dog ran into the room right before he farted and then he let it rip and his wife walked into the room. He said it took her three steps before she cocked her head immediately one way, then the other, and then dropped to the floor to find the dog. At this point he started laughing out loud and then she realized it was him who made the smell and she yelled, "Bill!" "Then the ice was broken. *evil laugh*"

He talked about labor pains which was hilarious. He said the question I always want to ask women is is it really that bad? Because what am I supposed to think when I see my wife with her first child having the "worst pains of her life" and she is in the bathroom putting on her chapstick pausing every 30 seconds to breath through the contraction, then back to beautifying herself!

Talked about how his wife is not his "best friend" she said you better call me your best friend but his best friend is Ed. Told a story about how his car broke down while driving home at 2:45 in the am and he called his friend Ed and Ed woke up and got dressed and was on his way in two minutes time. Then he called his wife and she said, "How many times have I told you to get that car fixed?? How many?" He answered about a thousand. She said THAT'S RIGHT! And now you expect me to get out of bed and shower and everything just because you're too stupid to listen to me?" Hahaha he said no Ed will come and get me. Then he said so see, who is my friend? My wife, or Ed? ED! And guess what? Ed was SINGLE. You know if Ed was married his wife would be saying, "There is no way you are getting out of this bed!"

Then he said one night he was having a bad dream that there was a snake eating his heal. He kept trying to reach down and grab it and throw it but his arms were frozen and he could not move. The voices in his head told him to wake up and he did and his wife was holding his ankle... Then he realized she was also rubbing his heal with a dead skin scraper. She was growling at him, "I can't take your scratchy heals anymore! Hold still!!"

Then the next night he woke up to a sharp pain in his right nostril. He opened his eyes and his wife was two inches away from his face holding a pair of tweezers with 6 hairs and she said, "HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THESE?? Everyone else can see them! When you breath out they do this *wiggle your finger by your nose* you can see them perfectly well bushing out of your nostrils. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THEM?" Then he raised his fist in the air (something he did throughout the show whenever it was something about marriage that only the married men would understand) and he turned on some music and danced off stage!

It was SO funny. But you had to be there. He was in BYUI sweatpants with a BYUI shirt that said HELLO FRIEND.

His stage set

Him on the screen where Jake and I could see him best

Him on stage

He is 74 years old and still hilarious! I remember my family used to watch his show but we called it The Funny Dad Show!

After the show we ate at Costa Vida. It was muy delicioso.

This was an amazingly fun date!